Would You Write A Diary That Anyone Could Read?

Over 70 thousand people know the most intimate corners of my medical history.

In 2017, I started writing in my quiet little corner of the internet. I never intended for this to become so big; I just wanted to leave my little mark and hopefully help a couple of other people who were in the same lost position as I was in 2015 when I was first diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia.

Some people must read my blog and wonder if I’ve actually thought about the fact that everyone can access my blog – my friends, family, neighbours, colleagues.. strangers. The answer is, yes. Now I have. I knew that this blog was never just going to be a diary, as much as I do use it as one too. I always did intend for this blog to be read by anyone who needed it. However, it never crossed my mind that it would be quite this many people and that strangers the whole way around the globe would actually care enough to keep coming back and reading more and more, but they do. I didn’t think about my friends or family reading. I didn’t think about people who might know of me, but don’t really know me reading. I also didn’t think about how it would be to have the most important people in my life reading.

Writing whilst being conscious that everyone else is watching feels pretty daunting, if I actually sit back and think about it. I’m pouring my heart out into a blog that anyone in the world could access at the click of a button and I’m not going to please everyone. I’m stubborn and opinionated. I use this blog to pour my feelings out and it’s so comforting to know that others feel the same way about some of things I say, in the messages and emails I receive after every new blog post. With that also come the countless times people don’t agree with me, or things that might be taken in the wrong way.

My medical history is also splashed across this website: my relentless pain, my struggles with identifying as disabled, me applying for PIP, even the surgery I had to fix my episiotomy last year.

Some people are always going to find fault with things I say as well. One of my most popular blog posts is about that and you can read it here. I will never be able to do anything without offending someone, so when I post about it, someone, somewhere is always going to think I either don’t have TN, or my TN isn’t that bad, or have a toddler so I don’t have polycystic ovaries, or I’m not blind enough, or something.

This started as something I thought I could do to be helpful to a very small handful of people and ended up being a lifeline for me at times, a way to get my thoughts and feelings about my health on to paper, because I’m not always the best at sharing those on the best of days, nevermind when I really need help.

I’ve been going through a rough time lately and, for the first time in a long time, haven’t wanted to speak to anyone, whether that be my best friend or 70 thousand strangers on the internet. I have kept myself to myself and haven’t told anyone about the things I’m going through or feeling.. Locking it up doesn’t help though and I think I’ve managed to make myself feel worse by taking a break.

In the name of remaining as open as I promised myself I would be when I began blogging, I will keep going.