I Don’t Want To Do Anything
I have faked being healthy, sometimes unsuccessfully, but usually pretty well, for the last seven and a half years.
In all honesty, I’m a disabled person who won’t admit I’m disabled and I will very rarely admit when I can’t do something. I usually want to do something and I make it happen, one way or another.
This has caused a lot of problems lately, especially when applying for the PIP benefit. My medical records detail some of my history of living with trigeminal neuralgia, but obviously there are big holes where I haven’t seen a doctor and I’ve just got on with my life the best I could. There is no medical evidence, for the most part, that I am struggling.
This last few weeks, I am struggling.
Over the last month, I’ve had significant back pain – where I’ve been literally unable to walk, or lift my child – then I had what I thought was a deep vein thrombosis, but the doctors didn’t really seem to care about it, so I just rested my leg completely (again, immobile) until the pain subsided and the swelling went down a week later, then I’ve had two days of being sick for no apparent reason, then a cold and finally a chest infection that landed me with a weeks worth of antibiotics.. which made me sick. Again.
I have been taken down by five separate illnesses, not one of them connecting to either of my chronic medical conditions, all pretty basic stand alone episodes of sickness. But for me, they all happen one after another, sometimes overlapping. I am sick of being the sick person.
I’m bored of the sound of my own voice cancelling my very few plans. I don’t even want to make plans anymore, I want to just do nothing.
I recently spoke to a psychologist and told her I had no hobbies, or desire to do anything. She asked what I would do if I woke up one day and I wasn’t in pain anymore. I said nothing. I have no idea what I would do. I don’t think I have a personality left after being in pain and ill for so long. I’ve been worn down into someone who’s life revolves around being sick and being in pain. I just expect now that I won’t feel up to doing anything, so I just won’t do anything.
My trigeminal neuralgia and eye condition aren’t actually stopping me doing anything. All my little annoying illnesses aren’t stopping me. I’m not doing anything for them to stop anymore, especially since around summer time.
I had my second episiotomy in summer and my life just seemed to stop. I didn’t go out all of summer, because I couldn’t walk. I’ve stopped going into the office at work. I’ve drastically reduced the amount I was seeing friends and family and that wasn’t very often anyway. I haven’t wanted to blog, I haven’t wanted to watch a series or read, even though I am really trying to pick books up more this month, as I do love reading so much.
My only constant has actually been my charity work and hanging out at home with my beautiful daughter. Everything else, I could take or leave right now.
I’m going through a rough, low patch these last few weeks and I’m going to admit it: I really do feel disabled this month.
If you have been affected by anything in this blog post, please click here to access phone numbers for suicide helplines around the world.
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